[Sixties Overdose]: 681.Travels of my Mind

Rating: 0.00

Uploaded by:

Created:

2007-07-02 13:56:43

[Sixties Overdose]: 681.Moonlight Freedom

Keywords:

I have been deep under the ocean
Climbed Everst's tip
Explored caves unseen
And islands uncharted

I rode down the Amazon
Stood in the shadow of the Sphynx
Romped through the jungles of Africa
And rode an elephant in India

There's not a place I've never been
Not a sight I haven't seen
I've led the fullest life at a young age
And never left my padded cell.

2007-07-03 Mister Saint: It's an interesting idea, but it needs detail to come alive. What about the ocean? What about Everest? What do these islands look like, and why did you only climb Everest's tip? What did you ride down the Amazon?

You've got to illuminate these ideas with stronger verbs (sailed instead of rode down the Amazon, for example, traveled instead of been under the ocean) and tell us a little about these places to make us care about them.

There's something awkward about the third line in the last stanza. "Fullest" feels out of place somehow. I thought "compared to what? Full of what?" when I read it, it feels arbitrary.

It's an interesting idea. Just give us some poetic devices and beef up the details. ^^